Daniel

Sr. Systems Administrator

In a widely-condemned international incident Daniel was kidnapped from a London hospital as a baby by KGB sleeper agents. (It is a little known fact of the Cold War that hospitals in Britain throughout the late 60’s were exclusively staffed by either current, former or trainee KGB operatives. This was because they were willing to work for low wages, actually liked the food and had no problem with the sub-zero temperatures maintained throughout all National Health Service facilities.)

He was raised in a secret military orphanage deep in the Urals as part of a now-defunct military program to create either the perfect soldier or the perfect omelet (Records from this period are not clear). Isolated from all humanity, his only social interactions came from a primitive electro-mechanical robot code-named “P4U-1” and occasional medical examinations by the Director of Research, Dr. S. “Knuckles” Simonofski. (Simonofski was later indicted by the International Criminal Court on multiple counts of aggravated sheep tampering but has so far eluded capture. P4U-1 is now on semi-permanent display at the Smithsonian.)

It appears that at some point in the late 80’s he successfully infiltrated a major British education institution. Apparently he planned to learn Western engineering methods in order to train Soviet military officers in hand-to-hand Wave-flow Soldering techniques and battlefield ISO 128 technical drawing. However at some point during this time he was introduced to someone known only by the codename “Stella Artois”. (British Intelligence will neither confirm or deny this was one of their agents.) Following this he became increasingly obsessed with the spray can function of MacPaint and entered a prolonged period of artistic experimentation. To this day controversy surrounds his 1993 exhibition at the National Gallery where several important pieces were vandalized by suspected pro-SuperPaint militants.

Initially denied a US Visa by both the FBI, CIA, M-I5, Interpol and the Better Business Bureau, he successfully lobbied then-President Bill Clinton and was granted entry to the USA in 1998. (Full details of the deal have never been made public and are the subject of an ongoing Justice Department investigation.) There, in the barren wastelands of Orange County, California, he hand-built his first Windows Server out of a large turnip. (At the time it was required to shred a set of NT4 installation floppy disks, compost them in a carefully humidity-controlled environment during a full moon and use this to fertilize the turnip in order to boot-strap the setup.) He’s been pretty much doing the same thing ever since.

He is famous for playing the World’s longest game of Solitaire, begun in 1994 and still only half-way through the deck. He once configured a 32MB RAM drive just to speed up the load times of “X-Wing” and used to play “Doom” using a CH Pro Throttle instead of a keyboard. During his copious free time Daniel likes to wander the Laguna Canyon road dressed in an old dress and flip-flops where he begs passers-by for Jamba Juice, Billiard chalk and Porsche spare parts.